When ‘Happy’ is Too Much to Ask For
Have you ever had one of those days/weeks/months/years where try, as you might, you can’t pull your bootstraps up and get your ass in gear? Where no matter what you do, who you talk to, or what concoction of self care elixir you conjure up, you just can’t? Welcome to the club. It’s the reason I couldn’t publish this last week, as I’d planned. Or stick to a podcast recording schedule. *nervous laughter*
I was chatting with a friend about a week and a half ago — and it was one of those, “No, but how are you really?” conversations. She shared that for reasons — either known and/or unknown — she couldn’t get happy. The normal self care rituals weren’t moving the needle, and neither was anything else she tried. I channeled my inner higher self from the days of regular therapy and asked myself how my therapist would respond to me if I were saying this — then it hit me.
What if happy is aiming too high? What if, for right now, okay could be enough?
Maybe it’s not as revolutionary to others as it was to me, but honey, when I say that hit me in the gut, I knew I had to share the thought with my friend. And it made me wonder, is everyone setting their sights too high in a desperate attempt to feel something — anything — again?
Let’s address the elephant
We’re coming up on a full year of the pandemic, in various states of lockdown — both emotionally and physically — and maybe even spiritually, if you’re into that kind of thing. 365 days of confusion, anger, hurt, disappointment, mourning, depression, anxiety, FOMO, exhaustion, hopelessness and so much more. You can’t tell me that doesn’t take a toll on our mental health.
Collectively, we’re in a constant state of our fight or flight systems being triggered. Some of us are working from home in shoebox apartments, void of real human interaction. Others are forced into the face of the virus — wondering if today’s the day they come in contact with it. We can’t see or hug our loved ones. We can’t be there to support our friends or family members who have lost someone. We can’t do anything but wait. So how can we expect ourselves to be happy?
Don’t get me wrong
I’m not saying that we’re all emotional zombies — empty shells of our former selves shuffling around our spaces or socially distant walking paths groaning and longing for the life we once had — but I can definitely relate. 😅
In the past year, I have felt joy. I’ve felt hope. I’ve felt connection with those I love. And I’ve felt like I’ve had glimpses of what the world will be like when things are “normal” again. I’ve had happy moments, 100%, but as a whole person, I’m not living in a state of happiness. And I am okay. That I know.
I feel incredibly fortunate that I have my health, a steady paycheck, and a roof over my head. I don’t want to sound tone-deaf and say that I have nothing to be grateful for because that’s not the case, whatsoever. I am very grateful. I’m loved. I’m supported. And still, I’m not my happiest. And again, that’s okay.
I came with receipts
Ready for some terrifying (and relatable) fast facts? Studies over the past year have shown:
Depression has tripled among adults in the United States
More than 2/5 US residents reported struggling with mental health issues relating to the pandemic, including anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and suicide
Young adults, the Black and Brown communities, essential workers, caregivers, and those with pre-existing conditions are disproportionately affected by COVID–19–related stresses
4 out of 5 workers find it hard to “shut off” in the evenings
Over 50% of people have taken a “mental health day” since they started working from home, due to the pandemic
Anti-anxiety medication use rose 34.1% in the first three months of the pandemic
There’s no way to sugarcoat it: this is some scary shit. If you or a loved one are struggling with negative thoughts, severe depression or thoughts of suicide, please know that you’re not alone in this. The National Suicide Hotline is ready to take your call to help get you the resources you need. Call: 800-273-8255 24/7 to reach someone who can help.
My goal, my mantra, and my prompt for all
What if, for today, this week, or even for all of March, we aim for okay instead of happy? Don’t drop your self care routines, goals, or things that bring joy — even in micro-doses — but adjust your way of thinking. We’re not Stepford robots programmed to bake endlessly, only see the yellow sunshine and bright rainbows, and shrug off any negative thought, feeling, or emotion.
Okay, much like happy, will look different to all of us. I encourage you to think for a while tonight about what okay looks like to you and what you can do to achieve or maintain it. Don’t fret if there are days when even that feels too lofty of a goal. We’re not aiming for perfection anymore. Fuck that. The mantra I’m repeating to myself this week: “If I’m breathing, I’m okay. The rest is just mess.” We’re all together in the here and now. And I hope that we’re all going to be okay.
I did a social experiment — pun intended — last month. I completely deleted Snapchat, deactivated Facebook, and removed the Instagram app from my phone. And I’m not lying when I say, I feel better for it. It’s not without feeling a little FOMO on the latest memes or photos of friends and their families, but I’m tired of being in a comparison loop with the rest of the world’s online persona. I’m grateful for The Social Dilemma and what it did to get me to stop ignoring the feeling in my gut that this wasn’t where or how I wanted to spend my time anymore.
My goal for this month: Lean into okay and see if happy can stem from there. And delete TikTok.
If I’m breathing, I’m okay. The rest is just mess.