How To: Easily Understand Boundaries
Let’s talk about boundaries (I know... big topic)
But before we dive in, let me ask you this: Is it safe to assume that you feel like something isn’t right in one of your relationships (platonic or other) but you’re not quite sure what it is, or maybe you know and aren’t sure what to do next? Maybe there’s tension between you two because of a certain behavior, a difference of opinion that’s not respected, discomfort, or even friction as a result of floodlighting* in the relationship.
If you answered yes, welcome to the club. In fact, I’ve been there, done that, bought out the whole gift shop, and now lead weekend tours. We, my friends, have a problem with boundaries.
*If you haven’t read Daring Greatly by Brené Brown, floodlighting was only one of the many aha moments I had while reading and one of the many reasons I’d recommend you pick it up. Fair warning: be ready for introspection.
You may have heard of boundaries; and it’s likely you’ve even had trouble identifying, defining, and/or enforcing them. Truth be told, I’d be willing to bet that the vast majority have had or continue to perpetuate poor boundary hygiene. (Again, myself included — there’s no judgment in this safe anonymous internet space.) Even the characters we grew up with display an oftentimes complete lack, and severe need, of boundaries in interpersonal relationships — Lorelai and Rory, Lorelai and Emily, ok, blanket statement: Lorelai and everyone. The Kardashian-Jenner family, most of the women (and husbands) of the Real Housewives franchises, Carrie, Miranda, Samantha — oh, and the entire Dunder-Mifflin office, too, just to name a few.
So, what are boundaries?
Good question. Boundaries are invisible borders that exist between you and everyone else in the world. Even before COVID, if someone walked up and stood a foot away from you — aka in your bubble — they’d be encroaching upon your space and likely would have passed your boundary. Most people would probably understand that common courtesy, and keep an adequate (read: appropriate) distance without even thinking.
The trouble with emotional boundaries is that, because of their invisibility, and societal norms saying that friendship — even more so for ‘Best Friends’ — boils down to being the epitome of ‘ride-or-die’, answering the phone in the middle of the night, always stand by their side — even when they’re wrong — always available, agreeable, and the perfect hype-man *gasp for air* they’re tough to mark in the sand, and even tougher to enforce.
Not to sound like a Jerry Springer commercial, but if you have or continually put up with any and all unpleasant behavior out of loyalty, feelings of obligation, or fear of backlash, you need to tend to your garden.
Gatekeeping your emotional garden: A guided visualization
Fun fact: in therapy, I discovered quickly that I best-understood concepts if I could distill them into simple analogies. In one of my earlier sessions, while discussing more than one relationship, my therapist helped me paint the most vivid picture to help me understand the concept and importance of boundaries: please, step into my emotional garden.
Gemma: Close your eyes, take a few breaths, and envision for me, your life — your world — as a garden.
Me: (in my head — eyes closed; my confused expression testing the strength of my Botox) Uhhh… wut?
To take the following questions seriously, I let go of my thoughts (and will to control them) and let my imagination wander — hoping that my gut instinct would lead me to enlightenment… and beat the visualization (if that were even possible.) Calmly and with more patience than God herself, she guided me through her prompts:
What does the garden look like? How is it structured? What’s growing?
What’s on the horizon? Are there others in the space? Tell me more about what else you see.
And where are you in relation to the space?
Are there any fences? What do those look like?
Is the fence tall? Short? What material is made out of? Can you see through its slats? Or is it plastered over?
How about the entrance? Is there a gate? Is it tall — blocking the other side? Or maybe half-height, allowing you to see over?
Is there a gate? Does it have a latch or a lock? How do others open the gate? Does it require a key — and if so, who has a copy?
We continued with this back and forth until I could describe the garden in detail; subconsciously crafting another layer of crystal-clear complexity with every prompt. She then went on to connect the dots — this wasn’t just an exercise for fun (I know, big reveal, there) but that the garden I described to her was the nucleus of my emotions — my true self. Without knowing, I’d identified a number of key insights into who had access to my inner sanctum, and furthermore, how I felt about that.
Gemma then caught me off guard with what was honestly the logical next question: What do you want your garden to look like?
Taking off the rose colored glasses
Naturally, as with all big breakthroughs in therapy, they seem to happen just as time is up. My homework for the next week was to be mindful and come up with an answer to her last question. What did I want my garden to look like? I thought to myself on the walk home.
A week later, in the same cozy room adorned with an assortment of plants, comfortable furniture, and a few geodes or crystals (clueless when it comes to that stuff), I shared my answer.
With the same gusto as Olivia Pope on a mission, I shared my plan to SHUT. IT. DOWN. I quickly gave her the highlights before going through the same visualization process again. I wanted the people out. I wanted walls — not fences. A gate with a latch — no, a lock — no, multiple locks. I wanted Castle Black at The Wall. A fortress to keep anyone (or anything) out. I needed, more than ever, my space, my serenity, and my safety — without the influence of others.
Now, let’s get real: going from 0-100 in the boundaries department isn’t easy, nor is it fun. Until this point, I’d had numerous codependent relationships with others. I’d fall on the apology sword first. I’d avoid difficult conversations and honesty so as not to start a fight. I took part in oversharing, overcommitting, and overextending myself in the name of loyalty, going so far as perpetuating the cancel culture of other friends that wronged a person in the group. It was a real-life Mean Girls in those days, and someone was always on the outs — depending on the week, it could be you.
In a time that I was so lost, caught up in this everlasting toxicity, I even failed to establish boundaries in the one area I had complete and utter control of: my first blog. I was an open book, baby. Come one, come all. Take your peek. I opened up my life like a rest stop sideshow. And I’d had enough. Enough being ‘on’ all the time. Enough pretending I had all the answers. Enough feeling like I was living for others. Enough of the all-access pass.
Enacting change and erecting fences
One by one, I sorted through the Rolodex in my mind, having those difficult, uncomfortable, and honestly, downright scary shower conversations with the people I most needed boundaries with. (Hopefully, you read that as me *alone* in the shower having imaginary conversations out loud, to prepare myself for the big talks. I can’t be the only one that does this, right?)
I employed different techniques depending on the situation — and while not necessarily as dramatic as the DEFCON levels, the gist wasn’t too far off:
Waiting: Allowing time to go on, then quickly and informally addressing the behavior, etc. that bothered me at the moment, course correcting on the spot.
Check-In: Casual conversation(s) to level-set with some of the smaller items or those with minimal impact on my day-to-day anxieties.
Formal Conversations: Bigger, deeper, tougher discussions with a lot of I feel statements in an effort to build some more meaningful and well-established boundaries.
Taking a Break: Generally, this happens after one or more of the other tactics hasn’t worked. Together, both parties define a set amount of time to keep their distance to allow father time to organically repair some of the hurt AND create a natural blank slate to rebuild from.
Complete Shut Out: As a last resort to avoid (or heal from) the virtual nuclear war, a complete freeze on all communications was/is sometimes called for. I don’t take this technique lightly and know there’s a strong possibility of the relationship never recovering from it.
As you can imagine, some have proven over time to be more effective than others, but each held merit in their own right for bringing homeostasis both in the relationship and your mental health. Seeing now how relationships thrive with healthy boundaries, I can’t imagine ever returning to the borderless life I’d previously lived. A life full of anxiety, hurt, resentment, and discomfort with the people I held closest.
I know now, that the process of me locking up to reset was pivotal in both my recovery and in laying the foundation for my future interactions with loved ones — old and new — especially given the fact that I was so new to therapy, only a few months into what became 18 months of intensive weekly sessions. With hindsight being 20/20, I’m sure I could have handled things better in some instances — but in that moment, I did the best I could for myself. And, in the time since, some of those walls have come down a bit in height. The gates aren’t chained and padlocked shut anymore. There’s even foot traffic, now — all on my own terms.
In summary…
When you’ve had free reign of someone else’s garden, and they yours, it can be tough to draw that line, and again, even more tough to enforce. It’s something that feels unnatural at first, especially when there’s years of history without defined lines. Despite the initial discomfort, it is something that can be achieved with courage, complete honesty, sensitivity, mindfulness, and above all, respect — most of which don’t necessarily come naturally. But, like all good things, it takes a lot of time and a lot of work. Almost three years after this breakthrough, it still takes a conscious effort to establish and maintain my personal boundaries. But it’s worth it.
TL;DR: Like a fence between two houses or two people wearing their masks, boundaries are a very welcome, normal, and healthy thing to share with another person. Build them. Use them. Be grateful for them.